Bob Kaufman’s “Abomunist Manifesto” (1959) is a joke about political proclamations, and it is one of the funniest poems you’ll ever read. Kaufman’s ridiculous maxims mock the self-righteousness of pamphlets. The idea of poets stumping across midcentury America, spreading the fictional philosophy of “Abomunism,” reading their work at dental colleges, embalming schools, “sane asylums” and “homes for wed mothers” sounds like a democratic ideal and a dream come true: a laughing-gas vision dreamed in the dentist’s chair.
Credit…Illustration by R. O. Blechman
Abomunist Manifesto
By Bob Kaufman
ABOMUNISTS JOIN NOTHING BUT
THEIR HANDS OR LEGS, OR
OTHER SAME.
ABOMUNISTS SPIT ANTI-POETRY
FOR POETIC REASONS AND
FRINK.
ABOMUNISTS DO NOT LOOK AT
PICTURES PAINTED BY PRESI-
DENTS AND UNEMPLOYED
PRIME MINISTERS.
IN TIMES OF NATIONAL PERIL,
ABOMUNISTS, AS REALITY AMERI-
CANS, STAND READY TO DRINK
THEMSELVES TO DEATH FOR
THEIR COUNTRY.
ABOMUNISTS DO NOT FEEL PAIN,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT
HURTS.
ABOMUNISTS DO NOT USE THE
WORD SQUARE EXCEPT WHEN
TALKING TO SQUARES.
ABOMUNISTS READ NEWSPAPERS
ONLY TO ASCERTAIN THEIR
ABOMINUBILITY.
ABOMUNISTS NEVER CARRY
MORE THAN FIFTY DOLLARS IN
DEBTS ON THEM.
ABOMUNISTS BELIEVE THAT THE
SOLUTION TO PROBLEMS OF
RELIGIOUS BIGOTRY IS, TO
HAVE A CATHOLIC CANDIDATE
FOR PRESIDENT AND A PROT-
ESTANT CANDIDATE FOR POPE.
ABOMUNISTS DO NOT WRITE FOR
MONEY; THEY WRITE THE
MONEY ITSELF.
ABOMUNISTS BELIEVE ONLY WHAT
THEY DREAM ONLY AFTER
IT COMES TRUE.
ABOMUNIST CHILDREN MUST BE
REARED ABOMINUBLY.
ABOMUNIST POETS, CONFIDENT
THAT THE NEW LITERARY FORM
“FOOT-PRINTISM” HAS FREED
THE ARTIST OF OUTMODED
RESTRICTIONS, SUCH AS: THE
ABILITY TO READ AND WRITE,
OR THE DESIRE TO COMMUNI-
CATE, MUST BE PREPARED TO
READ THEIR WORK AT DENTAL
COLLEGES, EMBALMING
SCHOOLS, HOMES FOR UNWED
MOTHERS, HOMES FOR WED
MOTHERS, INSANE ASYLUMS,
SANE ASYLUMS, U.S.O. CAN-
TEENS, KINDERGARTENS, AND
COUNTY JAILS. ABOMUNISTS
NEVER COMPROMISE THEIR
REJECTIONARY PHILOSOPHY.
ABOMUNISTSREJECTEVERY-
THING EXCEPT SNOWMEN.
Bob Kaufman (1925-86) was a founder of the magazine Beatitude and an author of several poetry collections, including “Collected Poems of Bob Kaufman” (City Lights Publishing, 2019); “The Ancient Rain: Poems, 1956-1978” (New Directions, 1981); and “Solitudes Crowded With Loneliness” (New Directions, 1965).
